Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
