I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
