Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
