When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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