I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
My ass is underappreciated
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
