So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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