I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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