i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
