I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My ATM looks so different sober.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Drake has all the answers
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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