we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
two words: eviction party
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
