So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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