Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Let's paint friendship bongs
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
