"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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