Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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