Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
