it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
