so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
