i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
