Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
