I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
