you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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