eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
