We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Congratulations! We have a period
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
