you would pick up someone in the library
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize