and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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