i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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