FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Randomize
