does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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