I've blown a few things in my day
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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