Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
