Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My butt remains clenched, sir.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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