life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
