I think I died a long time ago.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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