I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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