just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
