I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Randomize
