There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
