I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So much rum. So many feels.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
