She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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