eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
