he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I have aggressive nipples.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Randomize
