I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
