the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
i now understand why vodka
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
