I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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