I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
