Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
