I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
