If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
