I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
