I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
