I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
