Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
