Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I have already put on my inside pants.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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