So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
