I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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