I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
