i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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