Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
