This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
