The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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