Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
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