dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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